User blog comment:Iluvgale/PAR-TAY!!!!!/@comment-4473705-20120303030201

Hm... I would suggest making your POV's longer. Be more descriptive. Don't feel like you have to be funny just so that you can be funny; you have to be a little serious too to be really funny. This is good though. I hope you don't mind some critique, but you can't just write what you think will make people laugh. You have to write comedy from your heart and your brains and it takes a little time to get a good comedy going, but when you do, it's better than everything all whooshing out at once. I mean, first Im unconcious and then I get chocolate. I mean, there's no BREAK. It all happens at once. You need to explode the moment as they say, a little more. It's really good, but it can be improved, like everything else. But I try to pace my comedy so people can get a firm grip on what's happening. I know what's going on in your story, but like I said, you'll be better off if you explode the moment. Keep going it's great. Thanks for listening, Annie :)